Cas, Where Are Your Pill Bottles?
by feexbee
Summary: Highschool AU. TRIGGER WARNING. Castiel struggles with anxiety, depression, anger and self harm. After distancing himself from those he cared about and who cared about him most, over the span of a few weeks, Dean has to pull Cas away from what might end his life!
1. Benny?

Cas sat on his bed, switching up his Rubik's cube with an absent mind when he saw Dean spring up from the desk chair. "Hey, Cas?" He said, clutching his phone, and looking down at it.

Cas looked up at him, a distant look in his eyes. "Hmm." He answered. "S'wrong?"

"I think Benny needs my help down at the auto shop, so I gotta go. I'll see you later." He said, patting him on the shoulder. "You gonna be alright?"

Cas forced a smile, it being his only response. He waited for the door to close on Dean's way out before he laid back, on his side in his mountain of pillows. Dean always did this. It was always Benny. It was always _his_ pretty blue eyes that made Dean jump from whatever he was doing, and run to the rescue. He rolled his eyes, and tossed the Rubix Cube to the floor. It rolled over a few times before ending it's journey next to the trash can by the desk. Cas' eyes traveled to the computer screen. It was fresh from whatever Dean had been using it for, and was still actively reading on a play list he'd made on some radio website. Cas got up, and turned off the monitor and his lamp, closed his curtains, pushed his bedroom door shut the rest of the way before he crawled back into bed again. The music still flowed around his room, as if Dean were there in the dark with him somewhere. He liked when Dean came over. His whole room smelled like pennies and rain from his working in the auto shop all the time.

He wondered what day Dean would be back. Not that it mattered much anymore. Cas hadn't been to school in weeks. He couldn't focus on anything any more. All he ever did was sit there, and stare at the papers in front of him. He used to be a straight A student, but now he wasted his youth away in his bedroom, locked up in the dark. He felt safe there. It was the only place that he'd never been told he had to go. Before his dad left the family, he was always told 'go to school, get a job, go out, make new friends'. Cas was bored with school. Had he skipped a few grades before it was illegal in the state, he'd be done by now anyway. Nothing mattered anymore. See, you'd think that his dad 'leaving' insinuated that his parents got a divorce, or something, but they didn't. Cas' mom died eight years ago. His father took off in the middle of the night, never to be seen or heard from again. Michael, who was a senior in highschool cared for Cas, Gabe and Balthazar now. He made sure Castiel got his medicine and the bill got paid with a few hours a week here and there at the auto shop, and working nearly full time at the coffee shop with Sam and Jess. _The Angel's Lodge_. Stupid name.

Cas sniffled, and pulled his blanket around himself to fit his position a little more snug. He missed Dean, but of course he couldn't tell anyone that. They all just sort of assumed that Cas wasn't into dating. He planned to keep it that way. He didn't want Dean to feel bad anyway. Cas always heard about the girls Dean had gotten with, and always noticed him checking out this girl and that girl if they went out anywhere together, be it the movies, or school. Why did Dean always talk about girls, but rush to Benny's side when he broke a nail? He sighed at the thoughts. This stupid medicine wasn't working very well if he was still sad. It took the edge off though, he would admit that. Now, he was just somber. He used to get violent, and angry, and irrational. Half the time, he couldn't tell if he was sleepy or less high than he wanted to be from his xanax.

Dean was the only one that had ever really seen him so upset though. Somehow, he still managed to keep his feelings for Dean a secret. He turned his anger toward his father that night, because it was the newest wound, and it would make sense to Dean. Cas could be upset about anything. It didn't matter how good 'a day it was. He was always sad. He always felt like a waste of space. Like a burden. He couldn't help it at this point. He was always afraid of being hurt by any one else. He didn't want to be left again, like his father had left with no explanation. He was constantly day dreaming, too, but he didn't talk much, in fear that he would make somebody uncomfortable or that they'd think he was a freak for spending time in the hospital, like 'Charlie' from _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ said. Cas read a lot of books. He read almost all day long now. It's the only way he stayed sane while everyone else was at school.

He had a psychologist, but he didn't like to talk to her. He felt trapped in his own mind, and new that even though she was getting paid by the hour to fix his fucked up head, there was no fixing him. He was bound to be an inconvenient sob story to every one else around him, his whole life. That's why he'd tried to end it all in the first place. But Dean called. He asked Cas to come over, and Cas started to cry on the phone. Dean had held him against his chest and he had calmed him down. Cas never figured out why Dean deemed it necessary, because he didn't know what Cas was about to do when he'd called until after he'd hugged him, but he was glad he did. It was a good month after his dad had left, so it was normal that he cried. He didn't get what the big deal was. Dean told Michael, and Michael made him start seeing all these different doctors. They put him on a few different medications, and Cas promised Dean he'd take him. Dean always said that he hated seeing him upset. So, he wasn't upset anymore. He was neutral. For Dean, he'd be neutral.


	2. I Thought That's What You Wanted!

It was a few days later when there was a knock at the door. Cas peeked over his pillow, and chewed on the inside of his lip. Who was that? He stood up from his bed, and opened his door, a large stream of light sneaking into his bedroom with hardly enough permission to call consent. He trotted downstairs and opened the door to find Dean. "Dean, what are you doing? It's only one, aren't you supposed to be in school?" He squeaked. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you." He said with a slightly small hint of hope in his voice, stepping past Cas, and coming inside.

"What's wrong?" He asked, sitting down on the couch with him. "What is it Dean?"

"Benny's leaving for college next week. He's having a going away party. He's going to California." He smiled. "He wanted me to ask you to come. He misses you."

"I saw him on Memorial Day." Cas hugged his knees. He felt justified on not seeing his friends. It hadn't been that long. Internally, he shrugged. Of course Dean was sent to do the hard part of getting Cas to the occasion for Benny. It's probably because everyone but Dean knew that Cas didn't_ like_ Benny.

"Cas, that was two _months_ ago." He said, a little worried now. He watched Cas' body language. He was uncomfortable. Itching to get away, you could even say. He felt guilty for pushing the issue, but he knew somebody had to do it. Maybe Cas wouldn't hate Dean so much as he would Michael for trying. "Cas, don't you miss your friends?" He asked, resting a hand on Cas' shoulder.

Cas shrugged. "You still come see me. That's enough." Mostly, his eyes had stayed on his knees during their little chat so far, but for that, Cas looked up. Cas didn't like to look at Dean unless he was saying something meaningful. Cas didn't like to look at Dean because it made him feel.

Cas' eyes travelled to rest on Dean's hand that was still on his shoulder. "You're touching me." He pointed out, nonchalantly.

"Do you want me to stop?" He asked, chuckling a little.

He shook his head, but new immediately that he should have shrugged. He blushed, and hid his face in his knees. "I don't want to go Dean."

"He said he really wants you there. We all do, Cas. I know things aren't the same now, but we really do want to see you." He plead, squeezing Cas' arm. Cas squirmed. He didn't want the artificial affection. He wanted Dean to hold him like he had that night in his bedroom. He bit his lip, keeping quiet for a while, but then, he grew angry. "If they want to see me, they know where I live. Why don't_ they_ ever come see me? It seems like they care. Really, it does. They don't_ miss_ me." He spat.

Dean shook his head. "How are they supposed to approach you when you never talk? How are they supposed to see that you're still our Cas if you don't look at them, and smile like you used to?"

"I'm not 'still their Cas'. I'm your Cas._ You_ know me." He whined. God, this was going terribly. "You come see me." He pointed out again.

"They're afraid to upset you, Cas. They don't want to upset you, that's all." He tried ignoring what Cas had said. He knew Cas wasn't mentally stable enough for a relationship, so he'd never tried... He also knew that Cas liked him, but dare not say a thing about it. He knew that Cas lived in his own little world, and that if the image skewed, it was going to throw him spiraling downward again.

"No, they're scared of me." He said quietly, staring at the couch cushion between himself and Dean. "Dean, I don't want people to be scared of me. I don't want to be sad anymore. I just can't help it. I tried getting better. You know I did. But you're the only thing that even gives me a purpose. I have no desires anymore, but to see you. I'm nothing. I'm a loser, I'm a freak, I'm not _like_ the other kids our age-" his voice cracked. The voices wouldn't stop pushing words out of his mouth!

Dean tugged Cas closer suddenly. "Cas, don't say that. Please, don't say that." He kissed the top of his head, through the endless mop of raven hair.

Cas felt Dean's warmth on his own skin. That was good. No, that was bad! It meant that he wasn't wearing long sleeves. He always made sure to wear long sleeves when he had company, or his brothers were home. _Shit._ Shit shit shit! He jumped up, careful to hide his arms now. How could he have been so mindless? "Dean, you kissed me." He said, his brow furrowing in confusion. His mind had caught up with the occurrence.

"I thought that's what you wanted." He said softly, looking up at Cas from the couch. He stood after a few seconds.

"I'm cold-" Cas squeaked. "I'll, um, I'm gonna go change alright?" He blushed. Dean had _kissed_ him!

Dean sighed. "Cas, I'm sorry!" He stood, and ran after him. "Castiel?" He said, knocking on his door. _He'd scared him away. Great!_

Cas tugged a long sleeved shirt on, over his short sleeved one, just in case Dean barged in without permission. Not that Cas wasn't okay with him coming in whenever, or when he didn't have a shirt on, but y'know, it was the scars. He didn't even have the new gashes from the night before wrapped properly yet. He opened the door. "Dean, why'd you do that?" He asked again breathless, his hands clutching his shirt sleeves and the door now.

"Cas you haven't let go like that in a long time. Are the thoughts back? Are you having thoughts again?" He asked, stepping inside, and leading Cas to the bed. "Cas, you said you'd tell me."

Cas shook his head. "They never left, but you told me to stay." Cas mumbled. He stared at Dean's hands. He wanted so badly to hold one, for his own. He fidgeted, tugging at his sleeves again. They ends were already drenched in sweat. "So I stay." He looked up at him again, his blue eyes piercing Dean's.

Dean shook his head. "Cas, I want you to be happy. I know it's hard to talk about how you feel, especially with another dude, but you gotta talk to somebody, alright?" He asked, "What do you want me to do? I'll do anything."

Cas shook his head and brought his knees to his chest again, rocking back and forth. He didn't speak.

"Cas!" Dean groaned, whining a little. "Cas, please-" His voice was quivering now. Cas looked up, seeing Dean's face in just small stripes from the blinds. "Dean, are you crying?" He whispered the question.

"Please-" Dean said again. "Just let me care. Let somebody care. Let somebody help."

Something broke in Castiel when he heard Dean falling apart. He shook his head, and got up, onto his knees now. He wrapped his arms around Dean. "I'm sorry." He said quietly, into Dean's messy, blonde hair. "I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean held Cas' arm, and he cried into Cas' chest. "I try so hard to be strong for you, and give you the things you want, and come see you, but it's never enough. I can't make you happy any more, and I'm so scared you're going to leave me to deal with the rest of this shit world by myself."

Cas shook his head. "I couldn't ever leave you, Dean. I tried that once, you pulled me off the bridge remember? Just with your voice, and without knowing."

Dean tangled his fingers into Cas' hair. "Cas, I wanna make you happy." He said, with a deep, raspy voice. He sounded sleepy, almost.

Cas thought about the sudden turn of events. "You thought I wanted you to kiss me?" He said.

Dean smiled, laughing a little. "You always leave these little hints... You always have."

Cas bit his lip. "I'm sorry about that. I always tried to hide it. I didn't want to upset you."

"You're bad at hiding things." He said, kissing his cheek bone.

"Dean, what are you doing?" He asked, his tone showing his exhaustion from the day. "You don't have to-"

But Dean's lips were on his, and his arms were around Dean's ribs. He pulled him closer, and kissed him deeper. He couldn't stop if he wanted to.


	3. For Me?

The smell of breakfast wafted through the house, invading Cas' dark room. It woke him, regardless of his willingness. It _did_ smell kinda good. He opened hip phone, and stretched. It was almost noon. What did it matter, though, really? He smiled a little. It was funny, how he didn't have a schedule anymore. Ironic, even. He sat up and pulled one of Dean's old hoodies on that he'd left at the house a few months ago. He always wore it, not that Dean knew that. He made his way downstairs and peeked into the kitchen. "Oh, Hi Michael. What're you doing home?" He asked.

"Making breakfast." He said, like it was obvious. It _was_ obvious, but whatever. Cas laughed. "No, I mean, don't you usually work today?"

"Yeah, but I felt like making breakfast, so I took the morning off. I'm going in at 2. I thought maybe I could get you to come out of your room. We could watch a movie or something. We could watch The Crow again, it's your favorite." He noted. Cas felt his cheeks start to burn. "You did this for me?" He asked.

"Yeah, I mean, I know I work a lot, but I miss seeing my baby brother. You're always up in that dark room of yours. If you went outside, I think you'd burn like a twilight dork or something."

Cas rolled his eyes. "I'm not _that_ pale." The tan comparison of calves that followed threw that comment right back in his face though. He shook his head. "Fine you have a point. But, actually, Benny's having a party around 1. I guess since you'd be heading out at around that time, maybe you could take me? It's at the park."

Michael nearly dropped his spatula. He turned to look at Cas again. "You're wanna go out today?" The house was quiet before, but it felt like he could hear mice in the attic's thoughts of planning to rampage the house while he was gone now.

He nodded, half lying to himself and half lying to Michael. "Dean asked me to, so..."

"I'll take you." He replied quickly. "Don't worry about it, alright? We'll have breakfast, then we'll leave. Go get dressed. Grab some sunscreen from the bathroom. You're liable to burn." Michael sounded like a worried mother, but Cas kinda liked it. He liked when Micheal got protective. Cas didn't see him, or his other brothers much. They all worked, and had social lives. He liked to stay at home, but... knowing that Michael had made a distinct effort to spend time with him really made him appreciate his hard work. He felt a little better, actually. He didn't feel so useless. If Michael and Dean cared so much, and wanted to help him feel better, maybe he should try again. Yeah, he'd try again for today. He smiled to himself as he grabbed a few makeup brushes from the bathroom. He hadn't had to in a while, but he covered his scars with makeup and threw on an old t-shirt and some jeans. He worked his way through tie-ing his shoes, which he'd always struggled with, and trotted back down stairs. "Hey Michael?" He asked for his brother in a calm, curious voice.

"Yeah." He answered, closing the fridge, and setting two plates on the table.

"When was the last time I thanked you?" Cas looked at the ground, almost embarrassed.

"Your birthday last year. A week after Dad left." He said, trying to look into Cas' eyes. He couldn't manage it though, so he focused on his meal. "I'm sorry you've been feeling so down. I'm proud of you for trying though."

"I_ haven't_ been trying very hard lately, though." He said. "The thoughts have been smothering me. The medicine doesn't work much except to keep me from getting too angry. I try not to take things too far, and I calm down, but the thoughts always come back. I don't wanna let you guys down, but I've felt pretty shitty this whole time. Things never_ got_ better for me to say they're getting bad _again_."

"But you're still here. You're still here, and you're going out today. If Dean gives you hope, that's a good thing, Cas." Michael said. "Can I give you a hug?" He asked, standing up from the table.

He nodded. He knew why Michael had asked; Cas didn't like to be touched very much, especially since he'd been spending so much time alone these past few months. He took the embrace easily this time though, and hugged Michael around his tummy. "I'm sorry, Michael." He said.

"Don't be sorry, I just hope you start feeling better, soon." He said, kissing the top of Cas' head. Cas nodded, and sat down at the breakfast table. They ate and talked about the little things that they could: what books Cas had read, football games that Michael, Bal and Gabe had watched in the living room downstairs while Cas was sleeping (Cas slept a lot), and Dean.

"I think he has a thing for you." Michael shrugged, taking another fork full of scrambled eggs into his mouth.

Cas smiled. "I hope so. He knows I have feelings for him. He kissed my cheek yesterday."

"Oh?" Michael smiled too now. He was happy for his little brother. "I didn't see him when I got home, when did he come over?"

Cas explained that Dean had just showed up, with no explanation around one, and how Cas still didn't know why he was out of school that day. They shrugged in unison and finished their plates. Soon, Cas was in the car, with the window rolled down. His arm was hanging out of it, and already, his scars were tingling, but he didn't mind it so much. It was pretty out, and he'd be seeing Dean soon.


	4. Cali-forn-i-a: Part One

Cas was sitting on top of a wooden picnic table when the question popped up in his mind again. "Hey, Dean. You still never told me why you were out of school the other day. What were you doing?"

Dean blushed. "Benny asked me to skip with him. We went to the river and uh-" He looked around for Sam. "We smoked and talked for a little bit."

"That..." He blushed too, and looked away. Dean spent time with Benny outside of school too? Awesome. Well, it didn't really count as outside of school, because it was normal school hours, but- He sighed. "Sounds relaxing. I didn't know you.. smoked. We said we'd never smoke, or drink or any of that. Back in middle school. 'Member that?"

Dean smiled. "Yeah, I remember, Cas."

"Cas! It's good to see you out!" He heard his name, and he turned, to see Sam. He saw Sam once a month or so when he stopped by the house to pick Michael up if the car was acting stupid. Cas nodded and waved slightly. "Yeah. It's hot outside. I forgot about that part."

Sam smiled and messed with Cas' hair. "So, Dean: have you told him yet?"

Cas shifted his weight from one side to the other uncomfortable. He sat on his hands. "Told me what?"

"Dean got into a really good college!" He patted Dean on the back. Dean blushed. He wasn't as enthusiastic. "It's really not such a great school. It's pretty far away. I mean, Benny wants me to go, but-"

Cas swallowed hard. He felt his stomach churning within seconds. "It's in California. With him, isn't it?" He asked, a little accusively. He got quiet. It's not like Cas could just tell him not to go to college, or chase his dreams of being a musician. He wouldn't do that. But, of all people he could move in with during college, why Benny? Tension rose in the air. Sam sensed that, and too easily gave up on the situation. Dean was better at making Cas feel better than anyone, or so they all thought. Nobody knew much about him anymore. Cas chewed on his lip.

"I don't want you here by yourself. Plus, I'd miss you. A lot actually." He said quietly after Sam had exited the general area. "I didn't want to bring it up. I knew you'd want me to take the opportunity."

Cas tried to push away the lump in his throat. He had to support Dean. Dean would be happier there, in the sun and on the beach, singing every night. He missed when Dean used to sing in the shower. He didn't sing around Cas anymore. Maybe it was because Cas was such a drag that Dean felt bad for being happy around him. "We could skype or something. We could text, and call."

"Like... long distance dating?" Dean asked, skeptically.

"Are you saying we're in a relationship?" Cas smiled a little bit. "I don't remember agreeing to this, you know."

Dean chuckled, and stood up. "I'll get into another school. It's okay, Cas. What are the odds that California will like my singing anyway?"

Cas scooted off the table and stood a little closer to Dean than he ever had outside of their alone time together. "I like your singing. Come over tonight. Sing to me tonight."

Dean stepped back, looking around. He loved that Cas was so interested in his music. He wished he'd said something about it sooner, and not right then. Nobody could see them together here! His dad would find out somehow. Somebody would rat them out. "I think we need to talk tonight anyway. I've been holding back some thoughts too."

Cas felt his cheeks growing hot at the rejection. He didn't speak. Instead, for the rest of the party, he watched as everyone else talked and had a good time. It felt just like middle school all over again, except now Dean smoked.


	5. Cali-forn-i-a: Part Two

He knew he should focus on the fact that Dean considered him his boyfriend, but Cas sort of just felt like his feeling better for the day had gotten thrown in his face today. If Dean thought he was dating Cas, why would he step away when he was trying to be close to him? It was all so confusing and stupid. Dean was going to go away to college without him, because he'd flunked out by not doing anything because he got a little sad after his daddy abandoned him. Wah! What the fuck was he doing with his life? He groaned and pumbled his wall. Dean would be here soon. He had to calm down. The thoughts were coming back though. He wanted to cut. He saw the blood, and he felt the cool of the razor blade, and he could just feel the pain going away little by little. The lines were so pretty...

And the next thing he knew, he was in the bathroom floor with just his black shorts on. His back was on the cold tile, and his arm was above him, on his knee. He was steady, and making careful little lines this time, not gashes. Sure it was hot out, but he went out today! He wouldn't have to wear anything without sleeves for another month or two. 'Didn't matter much now. He breathed a sigh of relief, and let his head fall to the floor with a small thud.

"Cas?" He heard the call outside his balcony window. It was Dean. He soon realized that and began a large stream of foul words before muttering, "Fuck-" and then looking up at the bathroom door. He shot up from the ground, and grabbed his phone from on his bed. He called Dean. I was in the shower. I'll- I'll be out in a few minutes. The back door's unlocked. Come on up. Sorry about that."

He felt bad because it was dark out, and Dean had been waiting on him long enough that he'd went to the side yard. He sighed, knowing he was running out of time to grab Dean's hoodie from his room now too, to hide his newest gems. He slipped out the door and grabbed it, just as Dean peeked around the corner of the door way. It was a close call, but he tugged it on over his bare torso. The fabric stuck to his forearm. He hissed. "Can I just- two seconds, please." He shut the bathroom door behind him now and locked it, trying to find his wrap and his peroxide. "Fuck, fuck fuccckk-" He whined, and began the process. He was rushed, and the bandage was loose, but he returned to Dean more quickly than he'd anticipated, which was nice until he'd gotten any words from him.

Dean leaned back on the pillows, watching Cas closely. He looked good, there, relaxed in his bed. Cas wouldn't lie to anyone about that. It was undeniable, no matter your gender or preference there of. He sat down with him, and chewed on his bottom lip like he always did when he was nervous. He was afraid to try to touch him because he'd been denied earlier in the day. Dean whispered as he leaned closer to Cas, tangling into his limbs and speaking into the hair behind Cas' ear. It was intimate, but mocking. "I could've waited for you to finish showering. It's funny though. You know, Cas? Your hair isn't even wet."


	6. Did You Ever Kiss Benny?

Cas felt his bottom lip quiver. God, no. He couldn't start crying! He kissed Dean's cheek and held him closer, trying to seem okay. "I, um- I wasn't really in the shower. I was about to get in the shower. That's what I meant. I'm sorry. You just frightened me. Calling at my window's a bit romeo and juliet don't you think?"

Dean shook his head. "How are you feeling?" He knew Cas was trying to lighten the mood. There was something wrong that Cas wasn't telling him.

"Fine." Cas said, careful not to grab at his sleeves like he usually did. He knew if Dean found out, if anyone found out, he'd be trapped. He'd be checked on all the time, he'd have to make promises he had no intention of keeping and worst of all, he'd end up in the hospital again. The hospital was sort of like his room, except brighter and more people came to annoy him each day. So, really, they were nothing at all alike.

Dean noticed the higher tone now. "I don't know what you're hiding, but since you won't give it up... I think maybe I should bring up what I said we should talk about tonight."

Cas felt that lump in his throat again. "Yes, Dean?" What could it possibly be? Didn't Dean want to be with him anymore? Or was he as confused by all this as Cas was? Was he having doubts? Was he embarrassed by him? Because he was a freak, Dean was embarrassedby him. Every thread of his being pushed blood to the surface of his skin. He was blushing.

"It's just... My dad." He said.

Cas sighed in relief. That sounds terrible! It was relief in the fact that Dean wasn't really trying to break up with him already. He was still displeased with the fact that Dean was upset, but he was happy to know that it wasn't directly linked to Cas' immediate happiness. "What about him?"

Cas had to admit. He hadn't heard anything about John in a long time. Since Cas' dad had disappeared, Dean sort of shut up about his own. He guessed Dean just didn't want to trigger any bad thoughts about the whole ordeal.

Dean laced his fingers into Castiel's, and let his eyes wander about the room now. After a few moments, Cas leaned closer. He felt the weight of the previous situtation rising from his shoulders. He looked into Dean's eyes cautiously. Dean felt Cas' heat radiating onto his own skin. "I'm just afraid..." Dean mumbled, his shame, read aloud now and not just through assumptions.

There was more silence. Cas thought back a year or so. Worry began to bubble up and ooze out of his pores. "Has he hurt you since we last spoke of him?" Now that Castiel thought about it, the last time Dean muttered anything closely relating his father, it was about how John was upset with him over Sammy sneaking out to go to Jess' house. John hit both Sam and Dean that night. It was not pleasant.

Dean shook his head. "No, but if he finds out about us, he might. That's sort of why when Benny calls, I leave so suddenly. I know it hurts your feelings, but I didn't think I could explain all of this to you without telling you how I felt."

"Felt about..." Cas was lost. He was still focused on the explanation Dean had just given about his father. "Felt about me? Benny? ...Me." He decided.

Dean chomped down harder on his lip now, nodding. "I don't want to put you in any danger. But, can I be honest with you about something?"

"Did you ever kiss Benny?" Cas asked suddenly. His tone of voice had changed entirely. He was curious, but sounded a little pissed off. He had no idea why he'd issued the words.

Dean leaned back slightly, and shook his head. "What? No! Where did that come from?"

Dean began to panic. He didn't want to explain this to Cas. Not now, at least. It wasn't the right time. He could fly off the handle again, at any moment. What if Cas hurt himself or something over it? It'd be all his fault. He groaned. "Damn it, Cas. Why would you think that?"

Cas shrugged. "I'm sorry."

Dean tugged Castiel closer now and kissed at the crevice of the younger boy's shoulder and neck. "Cas, I don't like Benny that way. But, I felt it was good practice of getting to know how it feels to take care of a guy. I wanted to be ready for you, in case you wanted me some day. In case some day you told me how you really felt. I never did anything with him. Nothing intimate ever took place. I promise. But, I was loyal to him too. We've had a lot of deep conversations, and a lot of late nights. But I never kissed him. Or held him. just like I've never done any of that with a girl either."

"Lies. It's all lies then!" He yelped. His body soon was forcing his hands to push away from Dean with open hands at Dean's chest. "Why would you talk about those girls like then, huh? Why would you hurt me like that, if you said you knew how I felt!" He whined, and looked away, even though Dean was tightening his grip on Cas' shoulders and back. "Cas, Baby- Calm down: Shh...-"

"Why do you keep lying!" Cas whimpered now, and pushed away at Dean's chest still. This time there was more insistence and anger. He felt trapped, and soon his breathing showed it. He tried to escape, but Dean kissed at his face. "Dean, stop it. I don't want you to kiss me. Let me go!"

Dean shook his head. "Cas: Let me explain. I don't want you to be alone when you're upset. Don't make me leave. Come on. I'm just trying to explain. You're not letting me explain."

"What's there to explain? Everything I've ever known about you, or us, is a lie. You don't like girls at all? You've made this whole reputation for yourself, for what?!" He asked. "Every time we'd go out, or walk down the hall-! Dean, why'd you have to say those things if you knew! You don't like girls, you don't like Benny, but you let me think so for a year, didn't you? This is your fault-! I could be happy!"

Dean shook his head. "I didn't- I didn't know until your dad left! Until you let me get so close to you on the bridge that night." Dean was speaking so urgently, and soon tried to do so more gently, this time into Cas' collar. "Please, let me explain. I know you're upset. If you'll let me explain-"

Cas shook his head. "Dean, you hurt me."

"And you hurt me." He threw back. His eyes were open slightly now. He was waiting for Cas to stop freaking out now. He was getting a little annoyed. But, he didn't let Cas see that. "Cas, it's my dad. That's why I started the conversation the way I did. That's why I was so ashamed to start talking about this. That's why I've been avoiding telling you for a year and a half, give or take a month or two. Cas, listen!" He pled. He kissed his forehead now, and held him close.

Cas nodded now, knowing that he sounded psychotic. This was probably really hard for Dean to talk about, and it wasn't helping that Cas was freaking out on him and calling him a liar like some crazy kid, mad at grandma, who supported the divorce. Cas closed his eyes, and tried to steady his breathing. A minute or two passed. The clock ticked away. But, then Dean kissed his cheek bone again, and Cas nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'll listen. I'm sorry."

His people skills were a little rusty. Could you blame him? He hadn't talked to anyone, or felt any real emotion for months.

"If my dad knew I was gay. That I cared about you so much, that I put off every other responsibilty for you, that I didn't have any real reason to be around, other than trying to help you feel better, he'd kill me. And I mean that. He'd never have it. He'd try to hurt me, and you. And he'd target your brothers. It'd be bad. I wanted to protect you. At first, it was about me. I always liked you. Okay? Since the day we first met." Dean said, trying to sound chipper, and professional but more importantly, calm. He continued now. "But, I had to build up that reputation, so my dad wouldn't freak out on me. See, Sam's allowed to be sensitive, and smart, and caring, and all that. But, I'm the older brother. He'd freak. I'm supposed to be the strong one, whose able to hold down the fort when he goes away on business trips and stuff. He'd know. When I realized that you liked me too, that night on the bridge... I just... I made it my mission to protect you. When I come see you, my dad thinks I'm at the auto shop. So, when Benny calls, that means my dad's called in and he's going to be there soon to take his shift. That's why sometimes it's at weird times." Cas shifted and squirmed on Dean's lap, listening more closely now. He watched Dean's lips as he spoke.

"And sometimes it doesn't make sense with the excuses I give. It's always last minute because schedules and payroll and all that, really aren't supposed to be shared without consent, so sometimes I don't know what time he'll be there and for how long. But anyways, I didn't want you to worry about me all the time. So, I never told you. And I thought if I threw off your little image of the world of me, like I just did by trying to tell you all this, that'd you wouldn't understand and you'd think I was just lying again. And you'd hate me, and everything that's gotten a little bit better, little by bit, would be for nothing." Dean took a deep breath, and then sighed in relief. Cas kissed at Dean's hands.

"I've wanted to tell you. I just wanted you to be okay enough to accept it, and with how quiet you were, I felt like you didn't even want me around sometimes. I felt like it was all a wasted effort because you didn't care that I came to see you. That it'd be weird if I told you I liked you because I didn't know if you still liked me. I guess I always just counted on their being a good day to tell you. I put it off for too long. I'm sorry, Cas."

Cas shook his head. Dean was being truly honest with him now. Things did make more sense. He didn't like what he said about the late nights and talks with Benny, but he sounded so sincere. Maybe Benny liked Dean, but Dean didn't reciprocate. Maybe everything was okay... He nodded slowly, and pressed his lips to Dean. "I'm sorry Dean. I'm sorry I'm such a dead-beat, and I'm sorry I never listen. I'm sorry your dad's so cruel and closed-minded, and I'm sorry I never realized how much you cared. It's sweet of you to want to protect me and my family." He whispered the last part, kissing him again soon after.

"Cas..." Dean said, pulling gently at his hoodie sleeves. "You look good in my clothes. Don't get me wrong. But, will you please tell me why you wear long sleeves in the middle of summer when your AC barely works?" He asked. "Or maybe why you were in the shower, but didn't come out smelling like after shave and old spice like usual?" They both knew he didn't want the answer.

Dean just... sort of felt like they were already talking about sad stuff, so maybe it wouldn't be as depressing since they were already both sort of upset. It fit, rather than Dean being super excited about a football game with Bal and Gabe and Michael and Cas siiting down on the floor between them all and saying "I want to die" in the middle of their touch down dance and prance.

Cas shook his head, pulling his arms away. He shook his head again and hugged Dean, under his arms. "I don't wanna talk about it." He muttered after a while. "'Don't wanna-" He sniffled and hid his face in Dean's neck. "'Don't wanna talk about it." He sounded like a pouting child.

Dean had finally come clean, and everything turned out okay didn't want him to know that he hurt himself twice a week lately, usually right after Dean left. More often than that sometimes, though, if he got bored (because when he got bored, he got sad).

He didn't want Dean to worry. Or Michael to give up on him. Or Gabe and Bal to feel bad about not checking on him. Or Benny to feel like he had a chance with Dean because he had to go to the hospital. He didn't miss the bright lights and straight-out-of-college doctors that gave him such generic advice that he wanted to puke. Their words were like the chewed up bits of the stale bread platelet his mom used to make him eat in church even though it tasted like carpet cleaner: awkward and annoying when they wouldn't disappear.


	7. A Bath

Cas shook his head, and hugged Dean tighter. Ultimately, that made his arm grow pins and needles, but he didn't care. Dean was so warm. He kissed at his neck. "Please don't make me." He whispered.

"Cas, baby-" He smushed his lips to Cas' cheek and pulled him away. "C'mere." He said as he stood up. "I wanna try something okay?" He walked him to the bathroom. Cas watched closely. "What, what are you doing?" He asked. Dean didn't answer him. He held his hand though, and kissed his knuckles. "Take a bath, okay? I'll run the water. And you can sit inside the tub, and pull the curtain so I can't see, and I wanna talk to you okay? I can tell you're upset. The hot water will help, I promise."

Cas had tried that before. It was true; it did help. Dean was hoping that Cas actually wasn't hurting himself, but he'd suspected it for a while now. He thought maybe that Cas haveing to see the marks would make him want to talk about it. The shower would do that. He couldn't ignore them when they were staring him in the face.

Cas nodded, walking in cautiously. He asked Dean to sit with his back on the wall. Dean hadn't ever seen him so bare, so he was careful not to accidentally show him anything. He planned to undress in the shower and toss his clothes out. He did so, and Dean folded them without a second thought. Cas made sure the curtain was covering all the way from left to right of the tub and then turned on the hot water. After a while, he sat and hugged his knees. Cas was starting to feel bad for keeping things from Dean. He chewed on his cheek and looked around the tub. He really should clean in here more often. He sighed. "What do you wanna talk about?" He whispered.

"You know what I wanna talk about." He replied with strain in his voice, rubbing the side of his face. He needed to shave. "I don't want to pry it out of you, but I want you to be able to talk to me. And if not me, somebody. Anyone at all."

"I think you already know and you want me to say it." He said. That thought actually really pissed him off. "Why do you want me to say it? You know the answer. And you know I'm ashamed of it. They're hideous to you, and everyone else. They make you cringe, and then you'd all pretend they aren't real so you don't have to worry! You'd be in denial. They are real Dean. And I don't want to go back. I don't wanna go back." He said.

"Cas..." Suddenly it all got too real. "Awe, Cas, Baby- I'm sorry..." He tried, sitting up a little. Cas heard the movement and clutched his thighs tightly. His bandage was holding on quite well still, because it hadn't near the water yet.

Cas clenched his teeth. The tape over the cotton pad and the wrap on his arm fell loose. "Damn it. Here. Throw this away for me." He handed it to Dean through the curtain. It wasn't so messy this time. The stains on it were actually quite neat. He smiled at them, but tried to wipe it off of his face before Dean could peak in and see. He blushed at the that. He almost would choose him seeing his marks over the smile about them. He traced the two purple gashes from a few nights ago and every line he found from the with-standing evening. The room grew quiet, until there was a knock at the bathroom door. "Cas, you alright?" Michael's voice rang through the door.

Cas' eyes widened. "Yes? Go away?" He requested, almost laughing now. Something about his brother finding him with Dean in such an intimate way made him happy. He felt like a normal teenager, with normal things to be embarrassed about for once. He giggled and shook his head. "Don't come in please. I'm in the bath."

"Close the curtain then, I need to-" He opened the door, to find Dean in the floor, stuffing something in the trash next to the toilet. He couldn't have known what it was. "Why-Hello, Dean!" He said, red in the face now. "Oh my gosh. Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt, whatever you were- doin-g..."

Cas laughed, and pulled the curtain around his entirety. "Oh my god. Kill me."

Michael shut the door, but on his way out, he called "I'm going to guess he likes you too." It was a reference to their last conversation. The one they'd had over breakfast and on the ride to Benny's party.

Cas smiled. "Yeah, maybe."

Dean got up on his knees and sat next to the tub now. "Cas, baby?" He asked for him. "Can I see your face?"

Cas nodded, and pulled the curtain back a little bit. "Hi." He whispered. The mood was lighter now, but still serious. There was much to be discussed.

Dean reached in, and held Cas' hand. He didn't look, or try to pry. He just held his hand, and kissed his cheek. Cas shook his head and closed his eyes at the effort Dean was putting forth. "Please don't tell Michael. Please don't tell- I don't want them to take me away again. It's how I feel better. It helps me. I won't go too deep. I'll be careful. I'm always careful, please-" He whined.

Dean closed his eyes tightly, and kissed his nose. "You said you're ashamed of them. Why are you ashamed?"

"Because the doctors told me they were bad." He said. "Because they make the people I love worry about me."

"Well, I think you're beautiful. I'm sure your scars are too. But, I don't like seeing you injured. I could never enjoy my angel in pain." He kissed at Cas' shoulder. "So beautiful." He said, smiling. Cas thought about making a joke about blood kinks, but decided against it pretty soon after. Cas nodded, and hugged Dean's neck. "I think you're pretty great too, you know." He said instead.

"Yeah?" He asked. He smiled and rubbed Cas' side. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know. I want to believe that my secret's safe with you." He tried to elucidate, but it didn't feel like he'd said enough. He sighed. "Dean, it's been an hour. Check the clock."

"What are you getting at?" The blonde headed boy chuckled and checked his watch. "Want me to leave?"

"No. Please don't go-" He said, hugging him tighter now. "I just... I thought maybe we could lay down. In the dark."

Dean blushed. "Yeah, that sounds nice. Most people do lie down to rest while in the dark, yeah. Why'd you mention that part? Plus, it's always dark in your room. I don't even remember what it looks like, really."

"I'll sleep in that black v-neck t-shirt you let me borrow the night you kissed me the first time." He kissed at Dean's lips, careful not to let him see his forearms or his thighs still. "And in the morning, you'll see."

Dean nodded. "I like that idea, angel. I'm going to step out. 'Have a smoke, alright? Are you alright?" He asked, standing up and looking away so he couldn't see into the tub. Cas appreciated that. He reassured him, and got dressed in the shorts and hoodie until he saw that Dean was out on the balcony that hung off of Cas' room. Cas slipped past the window rather strategically and got in the closet. He put on the black v-neck and then shut the lights off. He crawled into bed with ease, with the knowledge that Dean would be beside him soon enough.

When Dean returned a few minutes later, Cas requested that the bathroom light be shut off too. Dean agreed, and started to tug on the shirt he'd worn to Castiel's. "Do you mind?" Dean asked.

Cas smiled. "Nope. Not at all. Warmer that way. For me, at least." He reached out for him as he crawled into bed too.


	8. Good Morning, Angel

Dean was stirring up some smoke and dust in the kitchen before noon that next day (which wasn't very in character for him). He had the stove on, and was making french toast off to the side with one of those fancy helping tools Cas' mom used to have in the house. He thought it was a bit odd that they still had it after so many years. If it worked, though, he guessed it made sense. Every so often, he'd peek around the corner, down the hall to see if Cas had come out of his room yet. He was hoping it'd all work out as planned: that Cas would sleep until the meal was finished. He smiled at the thought. Cas was going to be so happy, he wouldn't be able to contain it!  
Within the next few minutes, Dean pulled off the end product of his journey of cooking what was supposed to be an omelet. He set it on a plate and then collected the french toast, syrup and orange juice to complete the tray he'd found in the top of the cupboard. Soon, he was making his way to Cas' room. (Yes, he had to text Michael and ask where most things were, but... Y'know, it got done, and that was the important part.)  
The portal to Cas' dark haven opened with a slight struggle, being that his hands were full, so he had to check to make sure Cas was still out from the night before. The black curtains over the windows frequently kept him in bed until two or three, so it really shouldn't have been a surprise that Cas was still sound asleep.  
Dean rested the tray on the end table, and crawled up next to Cas, then rested his legs on either side of Cas' knees, because Cas had rolled onto his side. The covers had swarmed around him while he'd slept as well; it looked like he'd pulled them closer after Dean had left. The older boy wondered if he'd woken at all, or it was an instinct. But, soon, he pushed those thoughts away, and kissed at Cas' shoulder. He tried for Cas' hands, too.  
He untangled his arms from the blankets, and kissed at his forearms. It was difficult for him to keep his eyes on the skin, especially since there were such bright, thin marks from just a day or two ago. He decided, silently of course, that that's what Dean had interrupted him during on the previous night. He bit his lip in sentiment, and shook his head slightly. He continued to kiss at Cas' pale and torn skin until he woke. "Good morning, angel." He whispered.  
Cas looked down at the sight: Dean was above him, and so close... He blushed, but then couldn't hold back a smile. 'What're you doing, Dean?"  
"I see them." He stated, kissing at his arm more gently now. "I want you to know that I see them. And I don't know why you're ashamed. I'm ashamed because I let you get so sad. I should be ashamed. Not you. I allowed you to get sad enough to do this. I hope you feel better." He spoke with such sincereity that it made Cas' heart swell (it was a bit uncomfortable, too, because he felt like his chest was clogged or something). He smiled again, and turned over, helping Dean into his lap. The volumptuous cotton sheets and bed spread were helping separate them, but warmth was still shared. "I feel funny." He said, rubbing at his eyes. He was still in the black t-shirt when he looked down. After a few seconds, he revealed the world to himself again, and spoke. He sounded so relieved! "You do see them, don't you?" He asked. "You're not upset with me?"  
Dean shook his head. "I'm just sorry I couldn't help before it got this bad. I won't make you promise anything, I don't want you to feel trapped. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, alright? And I won't tell a soul. Just... Be careful, alright, sweetie? I worry. I worry so much that i'll lose you some day..."  
"Well, some day, I mean-" Cas started, but then the invasion began. The cinamon swirled past his eyes and down around to his nose, and tickled all the way to the back of his tongue, to tell him just where it needed to be.  
Dean sighed. "Oh hush. " He said, as Cas noticed the tray beside the bed. 'What's this?' He asked, holding his face.  
Dean smiled brightly, seemingly showing all of his teeth at once. "I made you breakfast." He was proud; it was clear from how straight his posture began to be as he'd spoken.


	9. Were you in my room?

Michael figured since Cas was out for the day, he may as well clean things up a bit. God knows Cas hadn't since he'd been out of school. He turned on the light to find a rather clean floor, except for some books beside the bed. He explored them: The Hatchet, Oliver Twist, Alice In Wonderland, and Charlotte Doyle... He smiled. He loved that his baby brother was actually their mother's twin, when it came to literary interest at least.

He found his laundry basket and put the sheets and the pillow cases, and any clothes at the bottom of the closet in it. He brought it down stairs and began to wash the four or five loads worth. How did this kid have any clothes to wear at all? Granted, the bed sheets and the blanket took up a load just by themselves. He sighed, trotting back up stairs. "Oh, Cas-..." He said, straightening some things along the mirror in the bathroom. He looked to the trash, and pulled the bag up, tying it neatly. He noticed a few spots of red on the side of the bag though.

His brow furrowed. What was that? Maybe he'd cut himself shaving and wiped it off with- He shrugged. Whatever. He took that bag down stairs and came back up again. He found a few towels in the bathroom floor, most were black, but there was a white one too, tossed off over by the cabinet. It looked like a last minute 'oh shit' incident. It was the towel that cas had used to clean himself up when Dean had come over unexpectedly soon a few days before. When he'd nearly crawled up to the balcony to get Cas' attention. (But, Michael didn't know that, of course.)

He picked up the pale cloth and studied it. That was a lot of red. He was hoping and pray to god it wasn't blood, but it was in small streaks at the dark points! Certainly, it wasn't what he thought it was... It couldn't be... He shook his head and bit his lip. He threw it onto the black towels, and wrapped it up in them so he didn't have to look at it anymore. He threw all the hand towels he'd found on the floor into the tub and washed his hands, as his phone was dialing Cas' number. "Cas, I want you to come home after you guys have dinner. Alright? I want you to come home, and we're gonna talk alright?" He said.

He soon after realized that the black towels were probably hiding a lot of the messes Cas made in here too. He'd gripped all the times Cas had felt so alone, and so scared, and angry, in his hands without even knowing it.

Cas looked around, confused at the sudden fear that the phone had offered him. Dean tugged on Castiel's jeans under the table. "What's wrong baby?" Dean asked, kissing his shoulder. "Sure, sure." Cas nodded as he replied. "Are you okay, Michael? Is everyone okay?"

Michael shook his head. "I don't know. You tell me when you get here, alright? I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry that I haven't been here for you, like I should be- I know I work a lot, and I should be home more, and I'm sorry-" He said, sitting on the side of the tub. He didn't want to see the cloth that rested inside the tub. He also wasn't very comfortable knowing they were so close to him still. He whimpered. "I'm sorry, Cas. This is all my fault."

Cas shook his head. "Dean, I have to go. I have to go home." He stood up, and scooted out of the booth. He waved Dean off, and ran out of the diner. "Michael? Michael, I'm just a few blocks away. I'll be there in a minute, okay? Were you in my room?" He asked.

Micheal nodded, and felt another sob building up. "Cas, why didn't you tell me? We could've had you talk to someone, or tried another medicine, one that worked. Why didn't you tell me? God, why didn't I know? Why didn't I ever guess? I should have known-!" He wanted to hang up, and rage throughout the house, but he knew he wouldn't be okay until his baby brother was by his side. "Come home, okay? Come home. Come home, please, come home- You can't leave me. I'm trying, so hard, It's just so hard since Dad left, and I'm sorry- Please, come home-!"

Cas felt a tug on his shirt, and turned to see Dean walking to the car. He nodded. "Why would you even try walking?" He asked. "I don't mind taking you. What's wrong?"

Cas nodded hoping Dean would understand if he listened to his words to Michael. "Bubby, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was so sad. I felt like it'd hurt you. I knew it would, and I wanted to protect you. That's all. I thought I could handle it by myself. That I could just... be okay. I thought that, but I know I need to stop. I'm sorry, bubby-" He tried the nickname, knowing it'd make Michael feel like a good patron. "It's not your fault at all, okay? I promise. It has nothing to do with you at all. I swear."

Dean groaned. "God damn it." He swore under his breath, going well over thirty past the speed limit, trying to get to their destination as soon as possible. Cas leaned over and kissed Dean quickly before getting out of the car. "Stay here. I love you, and I'm so sorry about this. Thank you for tonight, for driving me-"

Dean waved him off. "Get inside, go on. I love you too. Call me if you need me later."

Cas looked back to the outside world then and turned his attention back to the phone call. "No, no, no. I'm just outside. Where are you bubby? I'm home. I'm going to come see you. Where're you at?"

"I'm upstairs." He said, the tension in his throat hurting him now. He was trying so hard not to cry. He tugged at the sides of his hair and listened for Cas. He dropped his phone, rushing out to the hall when he noticed the slamming of the front door and foot steps up the stairs.

Cas' eyes finally found Michael after searching each room before his own at the end of the hall. Their bodies crashed together, and Micheal fell to his knees in the floor. Cas couldn't sustain his weight! He tried his best to make sure he landed safely. He wrapped his arms around his older brothers head, and kissed at his hair. "Bubby, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you-"

Cas bit his lip, trying not to break down now too. He knew his brother loved him. He didn't know he'd respond like this though. This was his fault. He should've cleaned up before he left. He held back a sigh of regret, and closed his eyes tightly, hugging Micheal closer. Michael cried into Cas' chest. "Can I see them? I wanna see." He said, leaning away and not bothering to wipe his face. Cas did it for him, with his sleeves.

"Why do you wanna see them?" He asked. "... I mean, I don't think it's going to help the situation, bubby."

"Let me see." He said, tugging at Cas' fingers that were on his face now instead of his shirt sleeves, ridding his tears. "I want to see. I need to know." He was more stern now. He had to compose himself!

Cas nodded, reluctantly, pulling the coverage away, up to his elbows. Dark skids and purple slices beamed up at them both. Bright pink scratches and a scabbing gash or two screamed at the sudden light. Cas started to cry almost immediately. He was so disgusted with the pale limbs he'd presented. "I'm so sorry-"

Michael shook his head and pulled Cas close again. Cas didn't know what else to do but to let Michael do so. His arms stayed extended though. He couldn't move. He sobbed with him and stared past his older brother, to the carpet of the hall. "I'm so sorry..." He whispered dryly.


End file.
